Here’s a pro tip for increasing your quality of life from your demi-elder buddy: don’t zoom in.
Culture already has women wired for perfectionism when it comes to their appearance. Zooming-in makes it possible for us to be ultra-critical of ourselves to a degree that is punishingly unreasonable.
Just ask Susan Sontag who offered this apt observation in her book, A Woman's Beauty--A Put Down or Power Source:
“It is not, of course, the desire to be beautiful that is wrong but the obligation to be…For the ideal of beauty is administered as a form of self-oppression. Women are taught to see their bodies in parts, and to evaluate each part separately. Breasts, feet, hips, waistline, neck, eyes, nose, complexion, hair, and so on—each in turn is submitted to an anxious, fretful, often despairing scrutiny. Even if some pass muster, some will always be found wanting. Nothing less than perfection will do.”
Sontag wrote those wise words in 1975, long before the immediacy of digital imagery was in the palm of our hands. The dynamic hasn’t lessened in the interim.
How many times have I taken what I think is a beautiful photo of a friend, only to have them magnify it to pore-level, scanning for imperfections? Then they pronounce the image (or themselves) as ick. It pains me to witness their self-scrutiny, picking themselves apart and diluting their own power in the process.
Case in point. Recently I went to Puerto Rico for a girls' surf trip. It was a slice of heaven in part because I felt physically strong and capable in the water. I’d flown in from the cold East Coast where I hadn’t surfed in a few months in addition to coming off of a ten day flu. So I expected to be all noodle-arms, wildly out of paddle shape. Instead, I actually held my own and had a ton of fun playing in the waves. Hurrah.
While beaching, a dear friend of mine took the above snap and sent it to me. At first I thought, "Dang lady, not bad for 50!” And then I zoomed in. Things went downhill pretty quickly.
Just as Sontag warned, I dissected my whole into bits, evaluating what I considered to be potential shortcomings. Do my arms look weak and flabby? Does my tummy look like it has rolls because of how I’m sitting? Do my breasts look deflated or saggy?
To be clear, I know better. Much better. I recognize this practice is not productive or helpful. It not only erodes my confidence, it drains valuable focus that I’d otherwise point in more worthy directions.
I had to remind myself that this is a photo of a woman who survived breast cancer only to thrive. She earned the money to go on this trip - which she planned, booked, and enrolled friends to join. I like this person. I respect her. She’s thoughtful, good company and fun as hell.
I am not my image, and I’m certainly not represented by any one picture. A photo isn’t who I am. It doesn’t speak to my journey, its various scars and triumphs. That’s the good stuff, but you can’t see it here - even if you zoom in.
So my friends, let’s give ourselves a bit of a break, shall we? When the zoom-in inclination strikes (because we know it will), please be nice to yourself. Employ meta-cognition to witness how nasty that critical voice can be - then tell it to go take a hike. And I invite you to zoom out, recognizing your character, your story, your energy and actions, because we are all so much more than the sum of our bits.
Note: Thank you for reading. If you found this at all helpful, please give it a like or drop a comment below. And if you know someone that might enjoy my perspective, kindly forward it along. Your participation is everything.
We can all be so unreasonably hard on ourselves in this highly curated world of ours with its impossible beauty standards. And while I do think that age, wisdom and an expanded perspective can help to quiet that inner critic, she still knows how to turn up the volume from time to time. A lovely reminder to treat ourselves as we would a treasured friend- with kindness, acceptance and love...
Poignant as always, Laura. As much as I love the idea of less zooming in, I adore the concept of zooming out to see the bigger story. We are so multi-faceted and that brilliance will never fit into frame. xx